This post will continue to review the book "The 10 Commandments of Marriage" By Ed Young.
The third commandment of marriage is "Thou shalt continually communicate". The keyword here being contiunally. Too many times couples feel they have worked to build up their marriage and then let it remain stagnate. Marriage is a continual process as well as is the communication piece. I believe Young said it very well. "Too many couples unconsciously buy into the idea that when they say, 'I do', live under the same roof, eat from the same table, and sleep in the same bed, they automatically grow in intimacy. Yet the simple fact is that if those two people are not communicating - if they are merely occupying adjoining space - they are not growing together but growing apart." (pg. 65)
That is what this whole chapter is dedicated to; communicating so the couple can grow together in deep intimacy. One of the first things Young addresses is the hindurances in communication. Young lists schedules, children, television, and fear of conflict as major hindurances in a couples ability to communicate effectively. I would add technology in today's world. Computers, ipads, internet, ipods, etc also play a huge role in taking away time from our spouses. All of these things are not bad things, but need to be carefully monitored so they don't take away the time needed with each other.
Setting the hindurances aside, there are levels of communication couples need to be aware of as well. Young lists five levels of communication. The first level is "Cliche's". This is where one says the words that are socially required of us. "How are you doing" "How are you today" etc. This type of communication doesn't build much of a relationship. The second level of communication is "Just the facts". This level works on passing along the facts. It is an important level of communication but as Young notes, "They can hardly sustain and grow a healthy marriage on this alone." (pg.71) The third level of communication is "Opinions and Convictions". This level of communication allows for a person to be vunerable. If one is offering an opinion or conviction it opens the person up to a possibility of conflict. However, by offering an opinion or a conviction it reveals a piece of who you are as a person. This type of communication allows for relationships to grow/deepen. The fourth level is "feelings" where the growing and deepening will continue. Sharing what one is feeling is raw emotion. However, Young noted, "Discovering what's really going on in the heart of a husband or wife frightens many married people." (pg. 73) Finally the fifth level is "Communicating Needs". "Both the husband and wife must learn to communicate their need for affection, for quiet time, for 'solitary' time, for conversation, for encouragement, and for all the other needs God intends to provide through marriage. It is within the framework of this level of communication that a couple bonds and blends and becomes one." (pg.74)
Communication doesn't just occur with speaking. Most communication is done in a non-verbal fashion. It is important for couples to be aware of their non-verbal communication to the other. The non-verbal communication can change the context of the words being said. In that, one must also learn to listen. Listening is a part of communicating because one is showing the other that they care enough about them to listen. Therefore, it is important to listen attentively.
Finally, praising one another is crucial to a marriage. When your spouse says something great about you it makes you feel good. When you spouse says something great about you in public it solidifies that you are truly loved. Complain about your spouse and all you will see is the negative things. Praise your spouse and you will see all the good things. Remember no one is perfect!
This is just a summary of this chapter in the book. There are many other helpful hints within this chapter. Check it out if you have time. It is a great book!
Cheryl
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