4th Commandment of Marriage

This week's book review is the 4th Commandment of Marriage from the book "The Ten Commandments of Marriage" by Ed Young.  Just as a reminder, I review the chapter but there is much more in the chapter than I divulge in my writing.  I highly recommend this book as a resource on your book shelf.

The 4th Commandment of Marriage is one that each of us needs to take into careful consideration - "Thou shalt make conflict thy ally".  I had to read the commandment a couple of times and then read the chapter before it truly made sense for me.  What do you mean that conflict should be my ally?  I think the author has misprinted the title of this chapter!  Clearly, I do not want conflict in my marriage nor do I think it is any fun. 

Well, the author did not misprint the title and yes I need to make conflict my ally.  When you put two or more people together there is going to be conflict.  Conflict will even be there if you are "madly" in love!  Therefore it is in the best interest of both people to make conflict the ally!  The entire chapter talks about the do's and don'ts of conflicts as well as how to manage conflict.

The don'ts of conflict is a rather long list.  The first being "Don't be ashamed of your anger".  Anger is motivation to do something about the issue at hand.  The problem lies in how we handle the anger.  Properly handling the anger can strengthen a relationship.  The second don't is "Don't call in heavy artillery or use deadly weapons."  The deadly weapons are things such as, "I'll leave or get a divorce", slamming doors and stomping away are just some of weapons that can be used in conflict.  The third don't is "Don't air your dirty linen in public".  This should never happen!  I once heard that if you air your dirty laundry with people you leave them with an impression of your spouse.  The problem is those same people are not in your bedroom when you make up.  Those people still hold that bad impression.  Don't make your spouse look bad to other people.  The fourth don't is "Don't paint yourself into a corner".  Making broad brush statements that don't allow for an out can cause problems.  The fifth don't is "Don't use the turtle approach".  Climbing into your "shell" and not saying anything does not help in resolving the conflict.  The sixth don't is "Don't keep a chip on your shoulder".  When an issue is resolved it needs to stay resolved.  Don't carry the chip to bring it back up at another time.  Finally, "Don't use sex as a weapon".  Young states, "When sex becomes a weapon of manipulation, the whole physical relationship degenerates." (pg. 95) 

Conflict needs to stay constructive and not destructive.  If there is a pattern within your marriage where conflict arises on a consistent basis, take time to analyze why.  Don't analyze in the heat of the moment but analyze when you have time to be truly honest with yourself. 

What do you do if the battle lines are drawn and the heat of the moment is upon you?  Young suggests six things that can be done.  The first being "Talk and listen to God!"  Pray!  Take time to pour your heart out to God and listen to what he is asking you to do.  The next thing is to "Try to understand your mate".  What makes your mate tick?  Listen to what your spouse is asking for?  This learning process will make for a more intimate relationship.  However, don't use those things that make your spouse tick against them at a later point!  "Try to understand yourself"  Not only do you need to know what makes your spouse tick you need to know what makes you tick.  Take the time to truly look at yourself.  Why do you respond the way you respond?  What is making me cranky today?  You also need to "Talk to your mate".  As Young states, "No relationship can thrive without regular and healthy communication."  (pg. 99)  The fifth thing is "Don't let the sun go down on your anger."  Ephesians 4:26-27 states, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."  Finally, "Make confession and forgiveness a priority".  We are all sinners; therefore, we all need to ask for forgiveness. 

I think a great way to end this review is by looking at Psalm 141:3 - "Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!"  Conflict is inevitable within a marriage.  How we handle the conflict is important.  The word choices we use is even more important.  Words can destroy!  Better yet, words can build someone up!  Lord please guard my mouth and lips within my anger.

Cheryl